WHO WAS HE? [found on one of the Lists I used to frequent]

WHO WAS HE? Author Unknown

WHO WAS HE? He was born of the virgin Maya, who was considered the "Queen of Heaven." He was of royal descent. He crushed a serpent's head. He performed miracles and wonders, healed the sick, fed 500 men from a "small basket of cakes," and walked on water. He abolished idolatry, was a "sower of the word," and preached "the establishment of a kingdom of righteousness." He taught chastity, temperance, tolerance, compassion, love, and the equality of all. He was transfigured on a mount. He was crucified in a sin-atonement, suffered for three days in hell, and was resurrected He ascended to "heaven." WHO WAS HE? HE WAS ......... BUDDHA ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHO WAS HE? He contributed the name of Jesus Christ. He and his once-and-future Father, are frequently interchangeable in the mythos ("I and my Father are one"). He was born of the virgin Meri on December 25th in a cave/manger, with his birth being announced by a star in the East and attended by three wise men. He was a child teacher in the Temple and was baptized when he was 30 years old. He was also baptized by "Anup the Baptizer," who becomes "John the Baptist." He had 12 disciples. He performed miracles and raised one man, el-Azar-us, from the dead. He walked on water. He was transfigured on the Mount. He was crucified, buried in a tomb and resurrected. He was also the "Way, the Truth, the Light, the Messiah, God's Anointed Son, the Son of Man, the Good Shepherd, the Lamb of God, the Word" etc. He was "the Fisher," and was associated with the Lamb, Lion and Fish His personal epithet was "Iusa," the "ever-becoming son" of "Ptah," the "Father." He was called "the KRST," or "Anointed One," long before the Christians duplicated the story. In the catacombs at Rome are pictures of Him as a baby being held by his virgin mother - the original "Madonna and Child" WHO WAS HE.... He was the Egyptian God HORUS. The ancient Egyptians also adopted the cross as a religious symbol of their pagan gods. Countless Egyptians drawings depict themselves holding crosses in their hands. Among them, the Egyptian savior Horus is depicted holding a cross in his hand. He is also depicted as an infant sitting on his mother's knee with a cross on the seat they occupy. The most common of the crosses used by these pagan Egyptians, the crux ansata, was later adopted by the Christians. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHO WAS HE? He was born on December 25th. He was considered a great traveling teacher and master. He had 12 companions or disciples. He performed miracles. He was buried in a tomb. After three days he rose again. His resurrection was celebrated every year. He was called "the Good Shepherd." He was considered "the Way, the Truth and the Light, the Redeemer, the Savior, the Messiah." He was identified with both the Lion and the Lamb. His sacred day was Sunday, "the Lord's Day," hundreds of years before the appearance of Christ. He had his principal festival on what was later to become Easter, at which time he was resurrected. His religion had a Eucharist or "Lord's Supper." WHO WAS HE........ He was MITHRA "He who will not eat of my body and drink of my blood, so that he will be made one with me and I with him, the same shall not know salvation:" an inscription to Mithras which parallels John 6:53-54. This inscription is inside the vatican... in the tomb of saint Peter. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHO WAS HE? He was born of a Virgin His father was a carpenter. His birth was attended by angels, wise men and shepherds, and he was presented with gold, frankincense and myrrh. He was persecuted by a tyrant who ordered the slaughter of thousands of infants. He was of royal descent. He was baptized in a river He worked miracles and wonders. He raised the dead and healed lepers, the deaf and the blind. He used parables to teach the people about charity and love. "He lived poor and he loved the poor." He was transfigured in front of his disciples. In some traditions he died on a tree or was crucified between two thieves. He rose from the dead and ascended to heaven. He is called the "Shepherd God" and "Lord of lords," and was considered "the Redeemer, Firstborn, Sin Bearer, Liberator, Universal Word." He is the second person of the Trinity, and proclaimed himself the "Resurrection" and the "way to the Father." He was considered the "Beginning, the Middle and the End," ("Alpha and Omega"), as well as being omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent. His disciples bestowed upon him the title "Jezeus," meaning "pure essence." He is to return to do battle with the "Prince of Evil," who will desolate the earth. WHO WAS HE...... He was KRISHNA (The similarities between the Christian character and the Indian messiah are many. Indeed, Massey finds over 100 similarities between the Hindu and Christian saviors, and Graves, who includes the various noncanonical gospels in his analysis, lists over 300 likenesses. It should be noted that a common earlier English spelling of Krishna was "Christna," which reveals its relation to "Christ." It should also be noted that, like the Jewish godman, many people have believed in a historical, carnalized Krishna.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WHO WAS HE? God was his father He was born in a cave or cowshed A human woman, a virgin, was his mother. His birth was prophesized by a star in the heavens. At a marriage ceremony, he performed the miracle of converting water into wine. He was powerless to perform miracles in his hometown His followers were born-again through baptism in water. He rode triumphantly into a city on a donkey. Tradition records that the inhabitants waved palm leaves. He had 12 disciples. He was accused of licentious behavior. He was killed near the time of the Vernal Equinox, about MAR-21. He died "as a sacrifice for the sins of the world." He was hung on a tree, stake, or cross. After death, he descended into hell. On the third day after his death, he returned to life. The cave where he was laid was visited by three of his female followers He later ascended to heaven. His titles: God made flesh. Savior of the world Son of God. He is "God made man," and equal to the Father. He will return in the last days. He will judge the human race at that time. Humans are separated from God by original sin. The godman's sacrificial death reunites the believer with God and atones for the original sin. WHO WAS HE? ...... He was OSIRIS Amazing isn't it.......

Have you a strange mind? [submitted by Mom]

Do you have a strange mind? fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it. ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS

Page from Pets' Diary [submitted by genie]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY: 8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast! 9:40 a.m. Got to go to the park! Rolled in some really nasty stuff, was so proud of myself. Humans were less than impressed 10:30 a.m. Got my tummy rubbed and petted -- I'm in love! 12:00 p.m. Lunch: yummy! 1:00 p.m. Played in the yard: I loved it! 3:00 p.m. Stared adoringly at my masters ... they're the best! 4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids got home! I was so happy I was bouncing off the walls! 5:00 p.m. Milk bones -- awesome! 7:00 p.m. Got to play ball! What a day, this was too good to be true! 8:00 p.m. Wow: watching TV with my master! Heavenly! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY: Day 683 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomited on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear and naked terror into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates of what I am capable. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The audacity!! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -- and he seems more than willing to return! He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant -- I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe -- for now. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time...

Lovely and Talented Young Actresses
Alexa Vega	August 27, 1988	Virgo
Emily Browning	December 7, 1988	Sagittarius
Anna Popplewell	December 16, 1988	Sagittarius
Rachel Hurd-Wood	August 17, 1990	Leo
Keisha Castle-Hughes	March 24, 1990	Aries
Emma Watson	April 15, 1990	Aries
Kirsten Prout	September 28, 1990	Libra
Sofia Vassilieva	October 22, 1992	Libra
Dakota Fanning	February 23, 1994	Pisces
Jodelle Ferland	October 09, 1994	Libra
Taylor Dooley	February 26, 1993	Pisces

Intelligent Design [submitted by cousin Kevin]

INTELLIGENT DESIGN by PAUL RUDNICK "New Yorker" magazine -- Issue of 2005-09-26 Posted 2005-09-19 Day No. 1: And the Lord God said, "Let there be light," and lo, there was light. But then the Lord God said, "Wait, what if I make it a sort of rosy, sunset-at-the-beach, filtered half-light, so that everything else I design will look younger?" "I'm loving that," said Buddha. "It's new." "You should design a restaurant," added Allah. Day No. 2: "Today," the Lord God said, "let's do land." And lo, there was land. "Well, it's really not just land," noted Vishnu. "You've got mountains and valleys and?is that lava?" "It's not a single statement," said the Lord God. "I want it to say, ?Yes, this is land, but it's not afraid to ooze'. " "It's really a backdrop, a sort of blank canvas," put in Apollo. "It's, like, minimalism, only with scale." "But?brown?" Buddha asked. "Brown with infinite variations," said the Lord God. "Taupe, ochre, burnt umber?they're called earth tones." "I wasn't criticizing," said Buddha. "I was just noticing." Day No. 3: "Just to make everyone happy," said the Lord God. "Today I'm thinking oceans, for contrast." "It's wet, it's deep, yet it's frothy; it's design without dogma," said Buddha, approvingly. "Now, there's movement," agreed Allah. "It's not just ?Hi, I'm a planet?no splashing'." "But are those ice caps?" inquired Thor. "Is this a coherent vision, or a highball?" "I can do ice caps if I want to," sniffed the Lord God. "It's about a mood," said the Angel Moroni, supportively. "Thank you," said the Lord God. Day No. 4: "One word," said the Lord God. "Landscaping. But I want it to look natural, as if it all somehow just happened." "Do rain forests," suggested a primitive tribal god, who was known only as a clicking noise. "Rain forests here," decreed the Lord God. "And deserts there. For a spa feeling." "Which is fresh, but let's give it glow," said Buddha. "Polished stones and bamboo, with a soothing trickle of something." "I know where you're going," said the Lord God. "But why am I seeing scented candles and a signature body wash?" "Shut up," said Buddha. "You shut up," said the Lord God. "It's all about the mix," Allah declared in a calming voice. "Now let's look at some swatches." Day No. 5: "I'd like to design some creatures of the sea," the Lord God said. "Sleek but not slick." "Yes, yes, and more yes?it's a total gills moment," said Apollo. "But what if you added wings?" "Fussy," whispered Buddha to Zeus. "Why not epaulets and a sash?" "Legs," said Allah. "Now let's do legs." "Are we already doing dining-room tables?" asked the Lord God, confused. "No, design some creatures with legs," said Allah. So the Lord God, nodding, designed an ostrich. "First draft," everyone agreed, and so the Lord God designed an alligator. "There's gonna be a waiting list," Zeus murmured appreciatively. "Now do puppies!" pleaded Vishnu. "And kitties!" "Ooooo!" all the gods cooed. Then, feeling a bit embarrassed, Zeus ventured, "Design something more practical, like a horse or a mule." "What about a koala?" asked the Lord God. "Much better," Zeus declared, cuddling the furry little animal. "I'm going to call him Buttons." Day No. 6: "Today I'm really going out there," said the Lord God. "And I know it won't be popular at first, and you're all gonna be saying, ?Earth to Lord God,' but in a few million years it's going to be timeless. I'm going to design a man." And everyone looked upon the man that the Lord God designed. "It has your eyes," Zeus told the Lord God. "Does it stack?" inquired Allah. "It has a na?ve, folk-artsy, I-made-it-myself vibe," said Buddha. The Inca sun god, however, only scoffed. "Been there. Evolution," he said. "It's called a shaved monkey." "I like it," protested Buddha. "But it can't work a strapless dress." Everyone agreed on this point, so the Lord God announced, "Well, what if I give it nice round breasts and lose the penis?" "Yes," the gods said immediately. "Now it's intelligent," said Aphrodite. "But what if I made it blond?" giggled the Lord God. "And what if I made you a booming offscreen voice in a lot of bad movies?" asked Aphrodite. Day No. 7: "You know, I'm really feeling good about this whole intelligent-design deal," said the Lord God. "But do you think that I could redo it, keeping the quality but making it at a price point we could all live with?" "I'm not sure," said Buddha. "You mean, what if you designed a really basic, no-frills planet? Like, do the man and the woman really need all those toes?" "Hello!" said the Lord God. "Clean lines, no moving parts, functional but fun. Three bright, happy, wash 'n' go colors." "Swedish meets Japanese, with maybe a Platinum Collector's Edition for the geeks," Buddha decided. "Done," said the Lord God. "Now let's start thinking about Pluto. What if everything on Pluto was brushed aluminum?" "You mean, let's do Neptune again?" said Buddha.

A Really Big Ad.... [submitted by Paul H] (You'll need QuickTime to view this...)

http://www.bigad.com.au/movie.html

Pet Funeral [submitted by Genie]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her nosey neighbor peered over the fence. Even though he didn't much like the kid, he was interested in what the freckled-faced youngster was doing, so he asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up. "And I've just buried him." The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for a Goldfish,isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

Computer password - good suggestions [submitted by genie]

Subject: Computer password - good suggestions from REAL SIMPLE magazine: Good passwords are a minimum of 8 characters and contain numbers, symbols, or punctuation, says George Shaffer - creator website w. info on passwords: geodsoft.com/howto/password Don't use a password - use a pass phrase. Then replace some of the vowels with symbols: M@aryh@d@littlel@mb is good; I'm@p00rm@n is better. Best: passwords with letters and symbols that require you to use the "alt" key. As of now, those make a password almost 99% uncrackable.

User's Notes on Installing Linux on a Dead Badger [submitted by Sheldon]

A WTF? Badger Site, of sorts.... User's Notes on Installing Linux on a Dead Badger

"Bubbles and Babe" [submitted by Larry] izpitera.ru/lj/tetka.swf Badger comment: Or as I figure, bikini-clad, bone-shattered corpse, doomed to plummet eternally amidst unyielding, rock-hard spheres [g]. Really, all that's missing are the thuds and thunks (and the screams)....	Slap A Clown [A Badger Find] Slap A Clown at I Hate Clowns dot com
	A Betrayed Man Can Dream.... [a Badger postulation] Ah... if only 'twere true... dave-rhodes-vw

Alert Email Virus [submitted by Jude]

ALERT EMAIL VIRUS If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes" delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING. It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows NT environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. *** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *** And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. Send this warning to everyone!!! THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD! Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look at you - you're on the computer!!!!

Lizard Birthing Story [submitted by Jude]

Fw: Priceless !! If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too, don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breach," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but his boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER! going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker..... Priceless

Hallmark Card Rejects [submitted by Dan Baran]

Quite a few in here that [Dan has] thought about using.... My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... "What the hell was I thinking?" So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay. How could two people as beautiful as you Have such an ugly baby? I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you .. I've changed my mind. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia) Happy birthday! You look great for your age. Almost Lifelike! Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop? I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep. And if my ex actually marries the guy for whom she dumped me ---- > Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your new husband.

Hotel Rates [submitted by dan baran]

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this... A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says. "This check is only made out for $50." "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

Moon photos

moon.google.com In honor of the first manned Moon landing, which took place on July 20, 1969, [Google has] added some NASA imagery to the Google Maps interface to help you pay your own visit to our celestial neighbor. Happy lunar surfing! Some cool images. You can zoom in close. Really.... really close....

Canada Q&A [submitted by genie]

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics - these are some questions people the world over are asking! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website! (Fightening, isn't it?) Q (UK): I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. Q (USA): Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? A: Depends how much you've been drinking. Q (Sweden): I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. . Q (Sweden): Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? A: So its true what they say about Swedes. Q (UK): Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? A: What did your last slave die of? Q (USA): Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked. Q (USA): Which direction is North in Canada? A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. Q (UK): Can I bring cutlery into Canada? A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do. Q (USA): Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is.... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. Q (Germany): Do you have perfume in Canada? A: No, WE don't stink. Q (USA): I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Canada? A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. Q (Italy): Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? A: Yes, gay night clubs. Q (USA): Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? A: Only at Thanksgiving. Q (Germany): Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. Q (USA): I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget it's name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. Q (USA): I was in Canada in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Surrey, BC. Can you help? A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Q (USA): Will I be able to speak English most places I go? A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Lines from Stars Wars films NOT to use during oral sex... [posited by Badger]

[One line paraphrased only to remove the plural] What a desolate place this is...! I have you now... You said you wanted to be around when I made a mistake; well this could be it, sweetheart... What an incredible smell you've discovered...! Laugh it up, fuzzball... Will somebody get this big walking carpet out o'my way...? I thought they smelled bad... on the outside... Look at me; judge me by my size, do you...? You've got a lot of carbon scoring here; looks like you...'ve seen a lot of action...!

Highest Achievable Score in "Yahtzi"® [now and then thought out by Badger ...]

Ones 5 Dice total: Five 1s Twos 10 Dice total: Five 2s Threes 15 Dice total: Five 3s Fours 20 Dice total: Five 4s Fives 25 Dice total: Five 5s Sixes 30 Dice total: Five 6s Four of a Kind 30 Dice total: Five 6s Full House 28 Dice total: Three 6s and two 5s 4 Straight 25 Flat Score 5 Straight 30 Flat Score Yahtzi 50 Flat Score: Any five of a kind Choice 30 Dice total: Five 6s Total Score: 298

Longest jail sentence

Birthday Gift [submitted by dan baran]

The longest jail sentence passed was in the United States - 10,000 years for a triple murder. Dudley Wayne Kyzer was jailed for 10,000 years by a court in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, in 1981 for murdering his wife. He was then sentenced to two life terms for murdering his mother-in-law and a college student. In 1994 Oklahoma rapist Darron Bennalford Anderson received a 2,200-year jail sentence. When he appealed and won a new trial, he was convicted again and resentenced to more than 90 additional centuries behind bars - including 4,000 years each for rape and sodomy, 1,750 years for kidnapping, 1,000 years for burglary and robbery, and 500 years for grand larceny. In July 1997, the state Court of Criminal Appeals held that the grand larceny charge was double jeopardy on the robbery conviction and thus dismissed it. So the court cut Anderson's sentence by 500 years, speeding up his release date to the year 12,744!

The couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look...!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Divorce proceedings are pending

Awfully familiar.... [A Badger find]

Why does it seem to me that I used to date this particular woman ....? http://dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2005261600707.gif http://dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2005020928708.gif

At the Gates of Heaven [submitted by Cindy]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, 'Now, back off! Or you'll answer to me...'!" St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?" "Just a couple minutes ago..."

Some classic humour re: IRS

Possibly going to be the Truth one day... [submitted by dan baran]

What used to be a joke ...... has become a fascist reality in the USA today. Numbers, numbers, numbers ....... whether tattooed on your arm (like in Auschwitz) ....... made into mandatory law to have a 'Social Security Number' at birth, or the NIDN .......... it is a RECORD of people fed into a system, for 'their' benefit only, NOT ours! On Tue, 15 Mar 2005 07:29:38 -0500 "joseph nonemaker" writes: Subject: Ordering Pizza This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in 2008 that we're not sure how funny this really is... Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number? Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order. Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir. Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610. Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. From which number are you calling, sir? Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information? Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir. Customer: The HSS, what is that? Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time. Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas. Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir. Customer: Whaddya mean? Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice. Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then? Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it. Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that? Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion. Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then. Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99. Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number. Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit. Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here. Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also. Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take? Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward. Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter? Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday. Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#&$%$@# Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society? Customer: (speechless) Operator: Will there be anything else, sir? Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke. Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh [submitted by Rachael]

His dizzy aunt Verti Gogh The prune-eating brother Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store Stop n Gogh The Yugoslavia grandfather U Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white Hue Gogh The Illinois cousin Chica Gogh His magician uncle Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin A-mee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half-brother Gring Gogh The stage coach driving nephew Wells-far Gogh The constipated uncle Cant Gogh The ballroom-dancing aunt Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle Fla'ming Gogh

Why?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?" Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is a boxing ring square? Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice" [and the same for lawyers]? Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on "Start?" Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance as the little indestructible black box? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Bedtime Nursery Rhymes ... for Big Kids [submitted by Rachel]
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son.	MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.	SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?" Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb #$%!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.	HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock.	GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
	There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Correspondance [submitted by genie]

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the upon agreed amount, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: it had never been occupied; that there was plenty of heat; that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250, along with the following note: Dear Sir, First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

4 Friends... [submitted by genie]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.? The second guy said, "That Is terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company then, went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.? The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.? The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." Stunned, the three friends said: "What a shame what a disappointment," etc. The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000-square-foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Womens T shirts [submitted by genie]

A WASHINGTON POST columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting WOMEN'S T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach. I childproofed my house, but they still get in. (on the front): 60 is not old. (on the back): if you're a tree. I'm still hot... It just comes in flashes. At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot. My reality check just bounced. Life is short. Make fun of it. I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax. Annapolis ? a drinking town with a sailor problem. In god we trust. All others we polygraph. Physically pffffft! Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car. I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are. It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans. Earth is the insane asylum of the universe. Keep staring; I may do a trick. We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic to them. Dangerously under-medicated. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone. Every time I hear the dirty word "exercise," I wash my mouth out with chocolate. Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture. Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.

Cleaning Tips and Hints [submitted by genie]

[Not exactly Humour as such, but amusing while informative]:

This is GREAT!!! Cleaning your house shouldn't compromise your or your family's health. Take care of the environment - including the environment in your home - by using nontoxic, natural cleaners. Here are some down-to-earth suggestions for cleaning your home naturally with basic household ingredients, for a clean, safe home that doesn't expose your family and guests to toxic chemicals. Baking soda: An all-purpose cleaner especially effective for cleaning glass coffee pots and glassware, and removing red-wine stains from carpeting. A paste (made with water) can shine stainless steel and silver, and remove teastains from cups and saucers. Make a paste with a castile- or vegetable-based liquid soap and a drop of essential oil (tea tree or lavender) to clean sinks, countertops, toilets and tubs. Pour 1 cup down the sink to clear a clogged drain, followed by 3 cups of boiling water Boiling water: Use to flush drains and avoid clogs. Coarse salt: Cleans copper pans and scours cookware. Sprinkle salt on fresh spills in the oven, then wipe off. Sprinkle salt on rust stains and squeeze a lime or lemon over them, let sit for several hours and wipe off. Grapefruit seed extract: Add to water in a spray bottle for an odorless way to kill mold and mildew. Lemon juice: Use as a bleaching agent on clothing, and to remove grease from stoves and countertops. Add 2 Tbsp lemon juice to 10 drops of (real) lemon oil and a few drops of jojoba oil to clean and polish wood furniture. Olive oil: Use to lubricate and polish wood furniture (three parts olive oil to one part vinegar; or two parts olive oil with one part lemon juice). Tea tree oil: Can be added to vinegar/water solutions for its antibacterial properties. Use it to kill mold and mildew, and on kitchen and bathroom surfaces instead of chemical products. Add 50 drops to a bucket of water to clean countertops and tile floors. White vinegar: Cleans linoleum floors and glass (from windows to shower doors) when mixed with water and a little liquid soap (castile or vegetable). Cuts grease and removes stains; removes soap scum and cleans toilets (add a bit of baking soda if you like). Pour down drains once a week for antibacterial cleaning, and add to water in a spray bottle to kill mold and mildew.

Funny site's pages

When Bad Things Happen to Other People (at hellskitchen.com/bad.htm)

Dipping into the Shallow End of the Gene Pool (at hellskitchen.com/stupid.htm) "The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity." - Harlan Ellison

How to Win Arguments (at hellskitchen.com/argue.htm) I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules....

How to be Annoying (at hellskitchen.com/annoy.htm) Who do you hate? Who do you not exactly hate, but just kinda don't like being around? Who do you not mind being around, but you don't exactly go out of your way to sit next to them at the theatre? Well, collected here for your convenience are just a few things you can do to annoy that special nobody in your life.

Is English Hard to Write? English Signs Around the World [submitted by Mom] [Technically these are examples of Engrish]

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man. Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Doctor's office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: Drop your trousers here for the best results. In a Nairobi restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager. On the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi: Take Notice: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable. On a poster at Kencom: Are you an adult that cannot read? If so we can help. In a city restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends. In a cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves. Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. Hotel, Yugoslavia: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Hotel, Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose. Hotel, Zurich: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions. A laundry in Rome: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Feedin' time... [submitted by Larry]

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. When the women became aware of his presence they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond. I only came to feed my alligators."

Service [submitted by Trixie]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing things for other people." Then I heard these terms: Internal Revenue Service United States Postal Service Telephone Service Civil Service City/County Public Service Customer Service Service Stations And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.

When a Pagan dies.... [submitted by YDC]

A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over- "Can I help you?" "Where am I?" asks the Pagan. Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks, "You're in Heaven, of course." "B-but I don't believe..." "Hmmm," he says, squinting his eyes. "Are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste. "Yes, I am, and I believe I'm in the wrong place. Which way is Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks. "It's been temporarily shut down for 'repairs'," the gatekeeper says with a chuckle. "Ever since we took over... err... I mean... since the people found their way to the True Path." "Whatever," says the Pagan "what do I do now?" "I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here." "WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!" "Sorry, those are the rules; just follow the downward path to the left." So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, where the doors open wide. He warily goes in and looks around. He sees beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good." A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?" "SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?" "Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile. "Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks. "Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow. "Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously. "At your service. You're the Pagan guy that Pete called us about, right?" "Pete... oh, the guy in Heaven, yes..." eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?" "Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there are refreshments and a little market not too far ahead and to your right. The Pagan meeting grounds and Drumming Circles are just behind that hill..." "Are you serious...?" Satan grinned at him innocently, "Why shouldn't I be? You don't believe the rumours, do you?" Suddenly, as though in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies open with a thunderous groan. The screams of terror of a soul plummeting down are drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickens the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echo through Hell. When the screaming soul finally falls into the pit, the ground shuts closed with a sickening thud that rattles all of the earth. Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror, "And what was that all about?" Satan rolled his eyes and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a grimace, "Oh, just ignore them." He rolled his eyes again, "They're Christians, they wouldn't have it any other way..."

Humour Stuff [submitted by Larry]

A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu, flippers and a scuba mask. The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."

One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please insult my wife. She loves your work. It would really give her a thrill if you insulted her." Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself. To be married to a woman like that and not be able to think up your own insults!"

Eye halve a spelling chequer, It came with my pea sea. It plainly marques four my revue, Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word, And weight four it two say. Weather eye am wrong oar write, It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid, It nose bee fore two long. And eye can put the error rite, Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore your pleased two no. Its letter perfect awl the weigh, My chequer tolled me sew.

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his brothers, Lloyd finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."

I remember standing at quarters one morning whilst stationed aboard the USS Adroit. Lieutenant Montgomery was doing the muster. "JACKSON?" "Here!" "KIBBEY?" "Yo." "STEPHENS?" "Present, sir." "SEEBACK?" Nothing. "SEEBACK?!" Still nothing. "DAMMIT, SEEBACK!" As the division Chief I whispered into the Lieutenant's ear, "Sir, turn the paper over."

Decade Survivors [submitted by Dan Baran]

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1920's,1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms.......... WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever. We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them! Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL! And I am one of them! CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were. Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Beer [submitted by Dan Baran]

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver. -- Babe Ruth I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Lyndon B. Johnson When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --- -- Paul Hornung 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H. L. Mencke When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! ~George Bernard Shaw Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 BC! ~- W. C. Fields Remember, "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. -- Professor Irwin Corey To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can! -~ Leo Durocher "...because without beer, things do not seem to go as well..." -- Diary of Brother Epp, Capuchin Monasteryy, Munjor, Kansas, 1902 This is the best one! One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. "In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!"

Computer Technology Explained

About as layman as y'can get: Understanding Computer Technology

[submitted by my Chicago Friend Bob]

From: r kolbey Subject: Cthulu Date: May 17, 2005 4:07pm My friend sent this link to me, I thought you may find it amusing: http://www.locksley.com/cthulhu/index2.htm

A few Imponderables [Not sure where I found this or if someone sent it to me.... Sure a few are recognizable from various stand up comics, but they're still fun...]

Here are a few things about which to think, about which you probably have never thought... Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? To where's that extra penny going? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby," when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!" Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? (Actually, in one of the first episode, they tried a tree-sap based adhesive Gilligan found, that turns out to be unstable and the entire boat came/flew apart to the board ...) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours if they're both dogs? What do you call male ballerinas? Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream? If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave to the person who sent you this your e-mail address in the first place...?

Training Courses for Women [submitted by Dr. Frank I. (please kill him, not me )... ]

Women think they already know everything, but wait: training courses are now available for women on several subjects, including: Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His PMS: Your Problem ... Not His Water Retention: Fact or Fat The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together Parties: Going Without New Outfits Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both Introduction to Parking Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice TV Remotes (This Course for Men Only)

Subject: Memo to the Family Dog and/or Cat [Submitted by Sharon McArtor] [With an occasional addition of mine...]

Subject: Memo to the Family Dog and/or Cat Dear Dog and/or Cat, When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. When I say to get down from the table or the couch, I do not mean I refer only For This Moment In Time, and I do not mean that in a few moments it's perfectly fine to get back up there.... The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.) The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.) My compact discs and DVDs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must and will exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years... canine and/or feline attendance and/or supervision is not mandatory.) The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' or cats' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify and placate you I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets: They live here; you don't. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. I like my pet better than I like most people. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, they don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, they [usually], come when called, they never drive your car [intentionally], they don't hang out with drug-using friends, they don't drink or smoke, they don't worry about buying the latest fashions, they don't wear your clothes [intentionally], they don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Math Trick [submitted by Jean Christianson]

Here is a math trick that will stump you. Personally I would like to know who came up with it! Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one in your head). Key in the first three digits of your phone number's exchange (NOT the area code). Multiply by 80. Add 1. Multiply by 250. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again. Subtract 250. Divide number by 2. Do you recognize the answer? If you don't, you've done it wrong.... do it again!! It's amazing!!

Superman is a Dick [submitted by Sheldon] Superman is a Dick Actual Silver-Age "Superman" (and other) comic book covers, captionally MSTie'd.

Superdickery

Batman and Robin may be gay.... [First Superman], now Batman.... In one issue of Justice League of America in the sixties, the heroes discover they have contracted a cosmic plague that will doom everyone they've recently touched. Green Lantern shudders to think that he has infected his eternal fianc?e, Carol Ferris. The Flash realizes he has doomed his beloved, Iris West. Even the Atom thinks about the fate that will befall the woman in his life, Jean Loring... Yet what is Batman's first thought....?

A Beer Before It Starts [submitted by dan baran]

A man comes home from work, sits down in his favorite chair, turns on the TV, and says to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." The whife is a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. When he finishes it, he says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she feels a little angry, but brings him another beer. When it's gone, he barks, "Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" she says, blowing her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your lazy fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then you expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighs. "Oh great, it's started..."

Why Dogs are Better Than Women (and Men)

Why Dogs are Better Than Women

Dogs don't cry. Dogs love it when your friends come over. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. Dogs think you sing great. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. Dogs are excited by rough play. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. Dogs understand that farts are funny. Dogs love red meat. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. Anyone can get a good-looking dog. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. Dogs don't shop. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. Dogs never need to examine the relationship. A dog's parents never visit. Dogs love long car trips. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. Dogs like beer. Dogs don't hate their bodies. No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album. No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. Dogs never criticize. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. Dogs never expect gifts. It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house. Dogs don't worry about germs. Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had. Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one. You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day. Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. Dogs don't borrow your shirts. Dogs never want foot-rubs. Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. Dogs can't talk. Dogs aren't catty. Dogs seldom outlive you.

Why Dogs are Better Than Men...

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas. You can train a dog. Dogs are easy to buy for. Dogs are good with kids. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. The worst social disease you can get fron dogs is fleas. (OK.) The really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.) Dogs understand what 'no' means. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside. Dogs do not read at the table. Dogs think you are a culinary genius. You can house train a dog. You can force a dog to take a bath. Dogs don't correct your stories. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff. Dogs look at your eyes. Dogs like your size. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Dogs are nice to your relatives. Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

[submitted by Kevin] US Gun Statistics Various Sources 02-02-2005

The number of physicians in the U.S.A. is 700,000. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services) Guns The number of gun owners in the U.S.A. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million. The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.000188. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember: "Guns don't kill people, doctors do." FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand! Out of concern for the public at large, statistics on lawyers have been withheld for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

Cat Haiku [submitted by Paul H.] [Emboldened ones are added/composed by me.] [From "Pygmy Lions" on, are maxims of which I've made into Haiku.]
My brain: walnut-sized. Yours: largest among primates. Yet, who leaves for work?	Am I in your way? You seem to have it backwards: This pillow's taken.	(Re: Sharon's [former] cat Rusty...) My own tree! I climb to its top; Dry needles fall. It has dangling toys!
My rule for today: Touch me, I will shred your hand. New rule tomorrow.	Toy mice, dancing yarn Meowing sounds. I'm convinced: You're an idiot.	Fragile Christmas tree glass bulb ornaments: antique ones smash easiest.
The litter box full, As an indoor cat, alas, You left me no choice.	Your mouth is moving; Up and down, emitting noise. I've lost interest.	Winter's still here. Why are you taking my climbing tree? Guess drapes will do.
There's no dignity In being sick - which is why I don't tell you where.	Pigmy lions love mice, hate dogs, patronizes human beings: cats.	Man most dangerous animal on Earth? Ever meet an angry cat?
Cats are here so as to teach us that in nature not all has purpose.	If cats could speak and and let known what's in their minds they would lie to you.	Cats could be man's best friend, but they would never stoop to admitting it.
Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and may get back to you.	Cats regard humans as warm-blooded furniture. Who does not know this?

History Exam [submitted by my mother via my cousin Janice Bartels]

(Re: [Badger] got a score of 11 on this...) History Exam Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap. This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what went on in their life. Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to 20. Write the letter of each answer and score at the end. Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line! In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located? On the floor shift knob On the floor board, to the left of the clutch Next to the horn The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used? Capture lightning bugs To sprinkle clothes before ironing Large salt shaker Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters? Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? Blackjack Gin Craps! 5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WWII? Suntan Leg painting Wearing slacks What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? Studebaker Nash Metro Tucker Which was a popular candy when ! you were a kid? Strips of dried peanut butter Chocolate licorice bars Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside How was Butch wax used? To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? With clamps, tightened by a skate key Woven straps that crossed the foot Long pieces of twine As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? Consider all the facts Ask Mom Eeny-meeny-miney-mo What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's? Smallpox AIDS Polio "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey" SUV Taxi Streetcar What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony? Old Blue Paint Macaroni What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? Part of the game of hide and seek What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? Princess Summerfallwinterspring Princess Sacajewea Princess Moonshadow What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________? Meatballs Dames Ammunition What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit? The Ink Spots The Supremes The Esquires Who left his heart in San Francisco? Tony Bennett Xavier Cugat George Gershwin --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANSWERS b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing Who had a steam iron? c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top. a) Blackjack Gum. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil. a) 1946 Studebaker. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight! c) Macaroni. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.. SCORING 17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who should share their wisdom! 12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is getting keen. 0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the wisdom of your experiences. Send this to your friends with your score in the subject line.

Chicken Farmer [submitted by Dan Baran]

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence." He added, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too," said the woman. "I'm also celebrating!" "What a coincidence," said the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child," she told him. "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great!" said the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. "What a coincidence..." she said.

You Might Be A Pagan If...

When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire. You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying. When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?" You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it. You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing. You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore. The proprietor of said bookstore picks out anything to do with the Celts and saves it for you. You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon. You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them. The first thing your guests say is, "My, that's a nice... altar... you have there." On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by. You know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. That's why you bought one. You have friends who say they are elves. You believe them. You commit blasphemy in the plural. Upon dying, your first thought is, "Darn it, not AGAIN." When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way. Gaia is NOT the lady on Captain Planet. You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text. You use it as such. In Religion 100, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods. You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You can explain the difference. You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar. You talk to trees. They talk back. You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun. You've seen The Craft. You know where they were making stuff up in The Craft. You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did it in The Craft. You know it's a load of crap. You understand the symbolism behind a maypole. You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be." Your children go around telling people that "the Goddess loves you." You consider unicorns to be an endangered species. You commonly (and frequently accidentally) call the days of the week by alternate names: Sunday, Moonday, Tyr's Day, Woden's Day, Thurse Day, Frigga-Day, Satyr Day. You keep wondering what year this is, as that whole time-travel thing has you confused. The Futhark or the Theban alphabet (one of them) was the first alphabet you learned to write. When someone says they have a headache, you pull out White Willow Bark and a Crystal Healing Kit. You wonder why the Pope doesn't have any concubines in his position of obvious power. Your candles outnumber your light bulbs. Your telephone, computer, radio, television, or other electronic device is in a spot where you can protect the rest of the house from it. You feel inclined to dance around and/or jump over a campfire, and keep piling wood on it because it's not a proper bonfire. You go on religious pilgrimages that end up in or pass through (with a stop) any of the following: Nepal, the Burning Man festival, the woods (nearby or not), Stonehenge, the Pyramids or any other place with a usable pyramid, Salem (Massachusetts), Eerie (Indiana), Avalon, Atlantis, anywhere where there are standing stones or burial mounds, any cave with drawings older than the nation it's in, or pretty much any place wild. You really do wonder why the faeries keep hiding from you... after all, you're one of them. You keep getting mistaken by religious zealots for someone Satanic, or you are directly called by these same zealots a "devil-worshipper" or some such. You like the movie The Matrix for its philosophical content more than its technological aspects. You dislike the Christian Bible because it's "way too strict for fun-loving people." You can accurately quote the Bible better than your Fundie neighbor, relate said scripture to parallel sources in other cultures and religions, and rebut it all from quotes of the Seth books or material you have channeled on your own. You constantly wonder why all the decent people in the world are in hiding. You're reading this [list]. You understand what it's talking about.

Badger's pet peeves (when items get added to this, it will move up to the top again)

Working on a student film project, pizza (which I don't eat), as the only option given, does not constitute "meal provided"... Unfunny, jealous types who claim my lightning-fast word plays, malaprops, puns and quips are "a defense mechanism." On-set/on-location background performers... continually whining as to how long things are taking, etc. who behave as though they should have their own trailers who believe the project is about them, not the story Going to play a DVD in a computer, but instead of launching the DVD player it either tries to install a DVD player [Hello...! I have a DVD player on my computer: that's why I put it into my DVD drive...!], or it tries to launch the film's (or its production's) web site. Just give me the dang Top Menu so I can see the film! (And Previews go into the Bonus Features: not at the DVD start up!) Cell phone usage on public transport (and in movie theatres during the film). People thinking/using the term "being religious" as being synonomous with "being Christian." Alex Trebek... clean shaven. Ew. (Los Angeles TV-news anchor John Beard clean shaven is bad enough.) Regis Philbin continually (yet mistakenly) believing he is amusing in some way that isn't just sad and ironic... More puzzling than a peeve: People who obviously count their fingers zero through ten: the only logical reason they can believe that the current [Common Era]millennium began January 01, 2000 instead of the accurate January 01, 2001. Amusement theme parks that require patrons to take out a loan to afford its admission price (not even counting food and sovenier prices within). Movie theatres' high ticket prices, then worse, their obvious price-gouging with the misnamed "concessions." If interally-obtained food, snacks and drinks were concessions for anything, they wouldn't cost thrice the cost of the ticket. In-office holiday "Secret Santa" games in which after giving something useful and/or cool (like a pre-paid movie ticket), [I] always get something of substantially lesser value (and/or something utterly useless to me). The noun impact being used as a verb....

List(s) of Nine

Filmmaker Mark Tapio Kines's amusing List of Nine lists

Sisterhood [submitted by genie]

WOMEN They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up for injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without new shoes so their children can have them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in all SIZES, in all colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have a lot to say and a lot to give. IT'S BEAUTIFUL WOMEN MONTH IT'S GOOD TO BE THE WOMAN We got off the Titanic first. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses. Taxis stop for us. When dancing we don't look like a frog in a blender. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves. If we forget to shave, no one has to know. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there. We have the ability to dress ourselves. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems. We'll never regret piercing our ears. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

Teachings of Zen Road to Enlightenment: Words By Which To Live

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just eff off and leave me alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire. The darkest hour is just before dawn. If you're going to steal your neighbor's milk, that's the time to do it. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. No one is listening until you fart. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your wallet. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Women claim that they never pursue a man. Well, by the same token, a mousetrap never pursues a mouse, but the end result is the same. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. Never buy a car you can't push. Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. We could learn a lot! from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box. Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

[submitted by Larry R.]

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard month of riding. "How are we faring?" his king asked. "Sire," replied the knight. "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieked the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh," replied the knight. "Well, you do now."

Twelve Ways To Confuse Santa Claus [submitted by Dr. Frank]

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds. While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact plastic replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly. Keep an angry bull in your living room. (If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!) Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa." Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been trampled.

Happy Thanksgiving!

http://news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=55985

Dispute over turkey blamed for stabbings By Associated Press Friday, November 26, 2004 WORCESTER, Mass. - A man was charged with stabbing two relatives who allegedly criticized his table manners during Thanksgiving dinner. Police said the fight broke out when Gonzalo Ocasio, Jr., 18, and his father, Gonzalo Ocasio, 49, reprimanded an uncle for picking at the turkey with his fingers, instead of slicing off pieces with a knife, the Worcester Telegram & Gazette reported Friday. The uncle, Frank Palacious, 24, of Worcester, allegedly responded by stabbing them with a carving knife. The father and son were being treated for stab wounds at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center. A nursing supervisor said Friday she had no information on the younger Ocasio's condition. Police said he suffered stab wounds to the chest, back and right side. His father was treated for a stab wound in his arm. Palacious is charged with two counts of domestic assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and assault with intent to murder, Detective Sgt. Thomas R. Radula said.

Proper English - Lost in Translation [A few other Engrish examples...]

strangecosmos.com/content/item/104119.html

At a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUItable FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY." Hotel, Acapulco: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE." On the grounds of a private school: "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION." One of the Mathare buildings: "MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE." A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS." In a Pumwani maternity ward: "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED." Hotel brochure, Italy: "THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE." Hotel lobby, Bucharest: "THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE." Hotel elevator, Paris: "PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK." Taken from a menu, Poland: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION." Supermarket, Hong Kong: "FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE." From the "Soviet Weekly": "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS." In an East African newspaper: "A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS." Hotel, Vienna: "IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER." An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS." Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: "TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES." In the window on a Swedish furrier: "FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN." The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE." In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY -- NO ICE-CREAM." On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

Actual Answers From the TV game show Family Feud

http://strangecosmos.com/content/item/104120.html

Name something a blind person might use: a sword Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar [Okay, but take into account in the UK a torch is what Americans call a flashlight....] Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse Name something that floats in the bath: water Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair Name something red: my cardigan Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers Name a famous royal: mail Name a number you have to memorize: 7 Name something you do before going to bed: sleep Name something you put on walls: roofs Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes Name something you might be allergic to: skiing Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet Name a continent: Italy Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog Name something slippery: a con man Name a kind of ache: a pancake Name a food that can be brown or white: potato Name a potato topping: jam Name a famous Scotsman: Jock Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones Name something with a hole in it: window Name a non-living object with legs: plant Name a domestic animal: leopard Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee Name a way of cooking fish: cod Name something you clean: your sister

An Irish Tale http://strangecosmos.com/content/item/104122.html

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly. She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm -they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The girl took his hands and said "Da - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute." Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called. As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner -- killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!" "Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed. "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute." Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "PROSTITUTE? I thought you said PROTESTANT!"

A note from the Queen... [submitted by Jude]

To: The Citizens of the United States of America Re: Revocation of your Independence In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy much. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell -checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents: Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly?" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen," but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit." You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day." All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it). You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776.) Thank you for your cooperation.

Pilots [submitted by Amy Seiter]

Subject: Fw: pilots After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qanta's pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. (P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.) P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit. P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 ft per min descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what they're for. P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

Republican Reality TV Shows [submitted by Larry]

Republican Eye for the Liberal Guy Five snappy Republicans take a hapless Democrat and show him how to clean up his act by dabbing crude oil behind his ears, teaching how to order steak at every meal, drssing him in polyester and putting pictures of George and Laura in every room in his house. Outsourced! Six people are taken out of their jobs in Wisconsin and flown to India, where they are placed in a large telephone answering service company and paid one hundred rupees a day. American Idle Here we spend hours and hours watching eight unemployed people stand on welfare lines trying to get to the one open window. Marry a Trillionaire It's so like a Democrat to think that a million dollars is enough to live on - just the cars, houses and cosmetic surgery along cost more than that. Here ten lucky women compete for the chance to marry a really right eighty-seven-year-old man. (Sequel: Divorce a Trillionaire) Trading Tax Brackets Two families, one in the 40 percent bracket, one in the 15 percent bracket, trade places. The hidden trick is that one of these families has actually never paid a cent in taxes - guess which one! Survivor - Manhattan Twelve normal Republicans are taken out of their homes in Tulsa, Oklahoma, placed in a trendy Manhattan loft with lots of abstract art, and forced to go out every night, eat raw fish, stay up until 4am and dress in really nice clothes. Who will survive? (Sequel: Survivor - Paris. Now that's really cruel.)

Dublin News: Personal Ads [submitted by my high-school friend Cindy]

These are actual "Personal Ads" in the Dublin (Ireland) News. And who said all the good ones were taken....? Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning. Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fianc?e, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such athing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few pints, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest. Devil-worshiper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM. Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

There is humour, and then there is stuff Stranger Than Fiction. Stuff you just can't make up. Stuff so straight and serious it's hilarious, even when Very Very Scary, such as the information my friend Larry informed me....

Oregon ballot arguments From: Larry Subject: Oregon ballot arguments Date: Oct 24, 2004 12:38am I kid you not, these are the real thing. If you weren't in favor of a ban on gay marriage before, you will be after you read the first three arguments made to the voters in Oregon. Leave It To Beaver, indeed. http://www.sos.state.or.us/elections/nov22004/guide/meas/m36_fav.html Larry Very Scary, very anti-American sentiments.

2004 Florida Election Ballot also Bush Speaks dot com: "Where We Try To Make Sense Of Bush's Mumbling & Bumbling"

How to Dress your Pets for Halloween [submitted by Dan Baran]

I never anticipated having photos on this page but.... Click on any photo to enlarge it.

Comparison [submitted by genie]

Dan Rather, CBS News Anchor	George W. Bush, President of the United States
Given documents he thought were true	Given documents he thought were true
Failed to investigate the facts thoroughly	Failed to investigate the facts thoroughly
Reported documents to the American people as true to make his case	Reported documents to the American people as true to make his case
When confronted with the facts, apologized and launched an investigation	When confronted with the facts, continued to report untruth and stonewalled an investigation
Number of Americans dead: 0	Number of Americans dead: 1,100 (and counting)
Republican solution: should be fired as CBS News Anchor	Republican solution: should be given four more years as President of the United States

The Very Complete, Very Extended, Printer Friendly, Evil Overlord List (plus other evil stuff) [this humour-page link was submitted by Young Dan Clement]

Including: The original Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord The additional 131 things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord The Evil Overlord Mekton Addendum Things I will do when I become Evil Empress Other Evil Advice: Notes regarding Ultimate Weapons/Spells Notes on Fortress Construction Notes on Alliances of Evil Gender Non-specific Evil Miscellany or, Good Advice for the Evil at Heart Other Evil Advice: Tips for Evil Geniuses and Scientists, or How not to be a Deranged Evil Genius or Mad Scientist Something for the EOs to consider: Hero Types (and How To Thwart Them) Evil Masterminding for Idiots! Uh... An essay on Evil Overlords' to-do list?

Other useful stuff: Advice for Aliens and Monsters on the Rampage The Evil Henchman's Guide General tips for henchmen of all varieties Guidelines for Legion of Doom troops Tips for the Trusted Lieutenant Tips for evil cult members Tips for the Evil Overlord's Wicked but Beautiful Daughter Tips for the Evil Overlord's Accountant Know your foes: the hero's side of life The Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Hero: Items for Heroes in general: The Mekton Hero list The Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Sidekick The Things I Will Do if I Am ever the True Love The Normal Innocent Bystander's Survival Guide Vows every Starfleet captain should take Everything I ever needed to know in life I learned as a mecha pilot If I Am Ever A Teenaged Mecha Pilot...

25 Signs That You've Grown Up [submitted by Brian Wallace]

Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle your stomach. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you, and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Andy Rooney's Tips for Handling Telemarketers [submitted by Sharon]

Three Little Words That Work!!

The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its ta sk. These three little words _will help_ eliminate telephone soliciting. Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer! Junk Mail Help: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. Some Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas: Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents. The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it... twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea! If enough people follow these tips, it will work — I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

[submitted by John Mattson]

If Andy Rooney DIDN'T write this, well then, he SHOULD have.

CBS 60 Minutes. Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night! to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friends because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. A woman over 30 will look good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. Andy Rooney For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free:" here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage...

Re: There's a lesson in here somewhere... [submitted by genie]

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer... [Maybe Nick should have been a better knight and left dragons alone.... Just a thought -- < Badger > ]

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